Well as I sit here waiting and trusting the Lord, I am reminded daily of my circumstances and they don’t help my trust level right now. It is so easy to talk trust , preach trust, teach trust …. but when you get down to the nitty gritty are you gonna STAND on all you have been told, shown and taught?
Well I am trying and sometimes it is a minute to minute walk instead of a daily walk. I am being stretched in more ways than I thought, the battle, is definitely in the mind for my peace. So I try to keep myself focused on His promises, it is crucial for my well being. I can be preoccupied with other things to keep me from worrying like, television, Facebook, or just doing busy work, but those things don’t give the peace that I so need. Like when I keep my focus on Him, by reading the Word, by loving those he places in my path, and keeping my heart set on the things His heart is on …others!!! Someone is always going through things and a lot of times worse than what we face.
Waiting on GOD is stretching you and can be also noted as a dying to self( our agenda , our plans , our way). For me it feels like I am trapped in this cocoon and I am stretching and struggling to break free with every part of my being and getting absolutely no where, and no breakthrough. Now I am not trying to sound all depressed and sad so don’t think that, because I see Jesus standing there watching as I struggle, I see Him encouraging me, I hear Him telling me I can do it, don’t stop. I see Him holding back the things that would come break that cocoon before its time, which would kill the process.
I have been shown butterflies so much and believed I had arrived …. NOT!!! that isn’t the case. The more I dig into the Word and press into Him I realize I know nothing. I am only beginning to understand the process of dying to self and although I know it is necessary and vital to maturity, I don’t like it.
Breaking off pride , selfishness, self focus, self self self…ugh!!! Its ugly, not glamorous, not pretty, humiliating at times. However I want to look the mirror and see nothing of me, I want to see Jesus looking back. I hate looking in a mirror right now, I see so many flaws, but Jesus wants us to love ourselves. We can’t love others or expect others to love us, if we don’t love ourselves. I know I’m talking about dying to self and loving yourself , which can sound like a conflicting statement, but loving who we have become in Jesus and Him shining through us exactly that. When we are angry, bitter, unforgiving, and controlling that comes out, it isn’t hidden like we would like to think.
You know there are times my daughters have walked up to me and said “check your face mom” I was happy and content when they did that, but my expression was not because I was trying to hide my vulnerabilities, my weakness, my hurt heart, my anger at myself and others. I thought I had already walked out so much of the pain of my past however I have realized it is a ongoing process, He takes me deeper into it, in stages, because I would die(literally) if I went through it all at once.
So all this brings me back to what I started with TRUST… I am trusting the Lord for things that only He can do and while I am not seeing a way out or breakthrough, I believe. He will come through … How? I don’t know…When? I don’t know… But this I do know, He has a plan and I am obedient to Him, He will send help from His sanctuary (Ps. 20:2)
I trust the process He is taking me through, the lessons He is teaching me and the LOVE He is raining down on me. No matter how alone I may “feel”, HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME NOR FORSAKE ME. That is where my confidence and trust are put right now, in HIM, not my circumstances. Hope this helps someone as much as it has helped me coming to this understanding.
Press through the process and breakthrough WILL COME!!!!!!