Trying to trust

Well as I sit here waiting and trusting the Lord, I am reminded daily of my circumstances and they don’t help my trust level right now. It is so easy to talk trust , preach trust, teach trust …. but when you get down to the nitty gritty are you gonna STAND on all you have been told, shown and taught?

Well I am trying and sometimes it is a minute to minute walk instead of a daily walk.  I am being stretched in more ways than I thought, the battle, is definitely in the mind for my peace. So I try to keep myself focused on His promises, it is crucial for my well being. I can be preoccupied with other things to keep me from worrying like, television, Facebook, or just doing busy work, but those things don’t give the peace that I so need. Like when I keep my focus on Him, by reading the Word, by loving those he places in my path, and keeping my heart set on the things His heart is on …others!!! Someone is always going through things and a lot of times worse than what we face.


Waiting on GOD is stretching you and can be also noted as a dying to self( our agenda , our plans , our way). For me it feels like I am trapped in this cocoon and I am stretching and  struggling to break free with every part of my being and getting absolutely no where, and no breakthrough. Now I am not trying to sound all depressed and sad so don’t think that, because I see Jesus standing there watching as I struggle, I see Him encouraging me, I hear Him telling me I can do it, don’t stop. I see Him holding back the things that would come break that cocoon before its time, which would kill the process.

I have been shown butterflies so much and believed I had arrived …. NOT!!! that isn’t the case. The more I dig into the Word and press into Him I realize I know nothing. I am only beginning to understand the process of dying to self and although I know it is necessary and vital to maturity, I don’t like it.

Breaking off pride , selfishness, self focus, self self self…ugh!!! Its ugly, not glamorous, not pretty, humiliating at times. However I want to look the mirror and see nothing of me, I want to see Jesus looking back.  I hate looking in a mirror right now, I see so many flaws, but Jesus wants us to love ourselves. We can’t love others or expect others to love us, if we don’t love ourselves. I know I’m talking about dying to self  and loving yourself , which can sound like a conflicting statement, but loving who we have become in Jesus and Him shining through us exactly that. When we are angry, bitter, unforgiving, and controlling that comes out, it isn’t hidden like we would like to think.

You know there are times my daughters have walked up to me and said “check your face mom” I was happy and content when they did that, but my expression was not because I was trying to hide my vulnerabilities, my weakness, my hurt heart, my anger at myself and others. I thought I had already walked out so much of the pain of my past however I have realized it is a ongoing process, He takes me deeper into it, in stages, because I would die(literally) if I went through it all at once.

So all this brings me back to what I started with TRUST… I am trusting the Lord for things that only He can do and while I am not seeing a way out or breakthrough, I believe. He will come through … How? I don’t know…When? I don’t know… But this I do know, He has a plan and I am obedient to Him, He will send help from His sanctuary (Ps. 20:2)

I trust the process He is taking me through, the lessons He is teaching me and the LOVE He is raining down on me. No matter how alone I may “feel”, HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME NOR FORSAKE ME. That is where my confidence and trust are put right now, in HIM, not my circumstances. Hope this helps someone as much as it has helped me coming to this understanding.

Press through the process and breakthrough WILL COME!!!!!!

Dying to Self

Yuck !!! that doesn’t even sound the least bit good. BUT it is necessary, to fully grow in my walk with Jesus. I want less of me and MORE of Him. I have tried so may years to fit into a mold that either my parents had for me, church leadership had for me, or I have had for myself, without really ever considering what the Lords TRUE design for me was. I know that it is one of a kind because I am one of a kind. LOL, praise the Lord for that!! there isn’t a mold that any of us fit into.

We are uniquely designed by our Father, the creator. To be an original not an imitation. Yes I know Paul said to imitate him as he imitated Christ.  but we are in Christ and He is in us. we are one with Him and the Father and the Holy Spirit. Read John 17 that’s what he prayed “that we be one”.  Just like the body and every body part , organ, finger, toe, eye , left nostril. is different than the other parts but very very necessary to the whole body. OK, do you get my point ? We have a purpose and He wants to go on that adventure with us to discover what it is exactly.

I started my journey trying to fit in, to what I thought was expected of me and the “protocols” of a religious system that I needed to follow. Well you can “DO” your gift out of performance and not Holy Spirit led and well its you and sometimes it works because the gifts of God are without repentance (rom.11:29) but it is done from a performance mentality with out the heart of the Father or His compassion. It must be flowing out through a heart surrendered to HIM and genuine love for the brethren. I am speaking of myself, only you and the Father know if you do this. I thought I had to perform to get people to like me, in the world I was promiscuous looking for love and affirmation, then in the church I did what I thought I was supposed to do so they would like me and I could fit in, even the job I did for 30 years was to please people and make them happy so they would like me. In the church I was told to give prophetic words even when I didn’t feel the unction from the Lord or what I heard and saw was bad in people (and for the record most of the time I was seeing the very same issues I had in my own heart)  Rejection was strong in my life and a never ending cycle until….. I dealt with the root and it was a process , a daily walk and decision.

I then realized the true heart of Jesus, he REALLY LOVES me!!!!…. if I never prophesy to another person again if I never DO anything He still loves me. he cant love me any more than the day he died for me(and you). I realized that my understanding of the Love of Christ and the Father was so twisted. He loves UNCONTIONALLY, no hooks , no agenda. and asI have grown in that love He has began to take away the false identity I was carrying around , the works mentality  I had , I had to work for His love. No wonder the world doesn’t want Jesus, the way I was trying to portray Him I wouldn’t want Him either. Some Far away God waiting for us to mess up so he could punish us… Oh how my heart hurts for those that still see Him that way. It is the goodness of God that leads men to repentance. When we simply love others unconditionally they will experience the Heart of Jesus and that love, HIS love, will begin to change them from the inside out, in the areas He chooses to help them walk through as they follow Him. I am not into a greasy grace message but it is the grace and love of Jesus that keeps us from wanting to sin. As we stay close to Him, in Him, and Him in us, we are continuously transformed into that new creation when we accepted Him as our LORD and savior. You see for years I knew Jesus as my savior and I didn’t walk in Victory in areas that I needed help in. It was when I made HIM LORD of my life I began to experience breakthrough, redemption, unconditional love. That makes me want to share HIS heart with everyone I know my family and friends sometimes think I am a push over but I truly love those that I come into contact with because I see them as Jesus sees them (ok I do have weak moments, but hey, I am still a work in progress,lol)

all I am saying is that we are the body of Christ we wont fit a MOLD because we are created specifically for a divine purpose and to best find out what that is, is to DIE TO SELF and lay down all your preconsieveed ideas and seek the Heart of Jesus and let His love bring out that Glorious manifestatation of His light, Love, Grace and Mercy in you and you will have  a suddenly moment that will awaken the destiny inside you.

My prayer is that your spirit man awaken to the LOVE that Jesus has for you… your mind will be blown away because we cant understand it carnally it must be received spiritually. AWAKE MY FRIENDS AWAKEN TO HIS LOVE


#justponderingmylifeinHIM  #nohooks #reallovehasnoagenda





what do you see, what do you hear

person on a bridge near a lake
Photo by Simon Migaj on

I have heard and seen many things the past two days on my journey. I have noticed little “road signs” along the way that have made me ponder and had a couple of dreams that I thought were nothing but actually turned out to be something.

Yesterday along our journey through the Lassen Volcanic National Park we were going through the beautiful majestic mountains, stopping and learning about the volcano. I saw a sign that had the word deaf in it, Watch for Deaf Children. I immediately thought about the scripture “they have ears but do not hear”(reference  further down in post).  I shrugged it off because to me EVERYTHING can be prophetic sometimes so I just put it on “the shelf” of my brain and continued on my adventure.

Later that evening as I went to sleep I had a dream and in the dream what I saw wasn’t what others saw. I saw 2 men opening a business and what others saw in these men was surface, they didn’t look like business men, they didn’t talk like business men, but I could see the destiny and purpose in them and started to give them strategic plans to increase their business. As others begin to see them succeed they pointed out I was an outsider and needed to leave and leave them alone, and those men who in the beginning were a little scary now were very protective and I felt completely safe and woke up.  I thought this was just a pizza dream until today.

Today we went to the Bethel School of Ministry and got to sit in on a first year class, about 1300 students, the worship was so beautiful. As the speaker was giving his message, the scripture he used caused all the pieces to come together of the day before and my dream. He talked about Isaiah 29:13 how people honor God with their mouth but not their heart. And the scriptures he had been showing me made sense with this. Having a divided heart is not a heart fully devoted to God and its idols that come before HIM. It can be work, money, family, material things, etc. The scripture in Psalms 115 and 135 talks how the people built idols and those idols had eyes that could not see and ears that could not hear, mouths that could not speak, and those that built them were like them. So when we build those idols… it takes away our vision(sight) our discerning(hearing) our authority when we speak(mouth).

The Lord showed me that in my dream I could see with His eyes for His people to see the gold in them the destiny in them and team up with Holy Spirit to draw it out of them and into the light and watch them grow. Even when the others could only see the surface and not the heart

Ok  so OUCH… toe stomper alert….  if we are not seeing, if we are not hearing , have we set up idols by having a divided heart….  A heart not fully devoted to God, that is only an answer that we can answer for ourselves. Can we live in an environment that will not expose us , yes, for a season maybe.  We can fake it, but why would you want to.

Freedom is wonderful, I heard an awesome speaker that said until we can be vulnerable with God we can’t be vulnerable with each other. That takes trust, trust in HIM and when you have that the family/tribe/people you worship with, you will be a true covenant family, full of unconditional love, helping one another, building each other up in the Lord , covering one another with LOVE  and prayer,  not accusing, or degrading out of spite or jealousy.

These are just some of the things that are on my heart. I want one heart fully devoted to HIM first and foremost, then I can be exactly who he called me to be for my family, my tribe, my job.

I am ready to see with HIS EYES, hear with HIS EARS, and speak with HIS MOUTH

Psalms 115:2-8

Why let the nations say,
    “Where is their God?”
Our God is in the heavens,
    and he does as he wishes.
Their idols are merely things of silver and gold,
    shaped by human hands.
They have mouths but cannot speak,
    and eyes but cannot see.
They have ears but cannot hear,
    and noses but cannot smell.
They have hands but cannot feel,
    and feet but cannot walk,
    and throats but cannot make a sound.
And those who make idols are just like them,
    as are all who trust in them.

Psalms 135:15-18

15 The idols of the nations are merely things of silver and gold,
    shaped by human hands.
16 They have mouths but cannot speak,
    and eyes but cannot see.
17 They have ears but cannot hear,
    and mouths but cannot breathe.
18 And those who make idols are just like them,
    as are all who trust in them.

My Adventure with Papa


This passage of scripture says it all I am so excited at what a wonderful exciting adventure I am on with Him. Not only am I here in California exploring new territory ( spiritual and natural) but my life’s journey with Him is only getting better and better.  I have always enjoyed the adventures with Jesus and the ones with Holy Spirit (yes the three are one) however growing in the depth of the Lord and learning the different aspects of the Godhead is not only exhilarating but also awestruck at the vastness of God.  I am on this course of discovering, a different facet, of God as Father. I thought I had learned about the Fathers Heart of God but I am only beginning to see that I haven’t even scratched the surface.  He has brought me clear across the United States, from NC to California, and completely out of my comfort zone, away from my family, my friends, and everything that I know and honestly the things in my life that I can control, I am in a place of total dependency on HIM and it is an absolute adrenaline rush, I feel so alive with such wonder at every turn and earnest expectation at what He is sharing with me from His heart and the treasures he is going to reveal to me on this adventure with Him. This is just day one and the anticipation in the journey is one that is full of destiny. He has proven faithful thus far in the planning and traveling with supply and favor and like a Father, he has taken care of every detail. Looking forward to sharing this and documenting the things He lets me share.

I am so thankful for such a loving and supportive husband , that one, allows me the freedom to grow with Father God and explore in my adventures and , second, pursues the Lord for himself AND our family as well as has his own adventures with Father God.

Freedom has come

Whew! January was a whirlwind with getting moved from old salon and into the  new and then a lot of sickness in our household. I am finally seeing and living, in the freedom, that I believe ,has been delayed for so long (by my own hand). The days are lighter, brighter, and done with ease. […]

Whew! January was a whirlwind with getting moved from old salon and into the  new and then a lot of sickness in our household. I am finally seeing and living, in the freedom, that I believe ,has been delayed for so long (by my own hand). The days are lighter, brighter, and done with ease. Praise Papa!!! It has been such a joy to press into Him in worship and just be in His Presence. I believe I have just about worn out a CD by Chris Burns Perfume Jar , wow this has really ministered to the dry and thirsty places of my heart. A friend shared that it was like things we have prayed in the Holy SPirit has been given words of understanding. I have been so encouraged and am so thankful for my friend sharing and loving me through a dark time with no judgment.

Friends are such a gift from God… Godly Friends that is who give wise counsel and accountability without the harsh judgement from religion. BUt they love you with the love of Jesus and are there when others are not. I have learned from so many wonderful friendships some were for a season and some are for a lifetime, and its ok because in the end we will have eternity. So many people have come into my life and brought such glory of the Lord and have blessed me beyond words, i have learned from them (and some I am still learning) and some have learned from me, however it is ultimately Holy Spirit working through us all to guide us into all truth.  There are so many facets to ministry, friendships, and relationships. All are so intricately woven together in our tapestry of life I am learning to see Jesus in each and every one. Honoring and  Loving them on purpose unconditionally like Jesus loves us. Sometimes – a lot of times- I am still in progress, i catch myself being critical and yes judgemental, I have to stop and repent and ask to see them the way HE sees them and see the glory of our Heavenly Father in them.  In this life we get so caught up in the cattiness and clickienss (if that is even a word) that we don’t noticed what is truly important. Another great friend/sister of mine reminded me that to be so caught up in our own selves we tend to not see the others around us that need Him, or need a friend or need things that are eternal.  I know I’m rambling but I just wanted to share with ALL my friends that I love you i honor you and I am thankful to the times we have walked the path together and some we have crossed paths in life you are such a blessing to me in every way. May you rest in Him and have His peace in all that He has set before you whether you are “set apart” or in with a groups of brothers or sister.  I challenge -to us all -to always see Jesus in others and the way He sees them. I love you dear friends I have you in my prayers as I know you have me in yours. Blessings

Prov. 18:24    John 15:13-15

Jesus our Best Friend


Waiting… and waiting … 

waiting is not my strong suit, I get so frustrated and I get worried , spastic almost, over situations that can not be changed. Thankfully, during all this, I have an absolutely wonderful husband that looks so sweetly into my eyes and says ” Enjoy this time of preparation and waiting, see it as a rest , because what is coming, will make you miss this time that you have had to be cultivating an intimate relationship Him.” Well can i be transparent here… that makes me want to hit him( just kidding !!! don’t do spousal abuse)… All joking aside I know He is right because I look back at times I had with Jesus alone , soaking for hours in His presence, diving deeper and deeper into His Holy Spirit, His glory, our Secret Place. I would give anything to be able to have that back. I took it for granted that I would always have the time, the place, the prime opportunity to be so free in a place that I had such favor to just be. Whether it was to soak in His Glory to anointed worship, to study in His word and receive revelation straight from the throne room while laying at the alter absorbing the Word, or experiencing His manifest presence in signs and wonders with a hand full of others. OHHH how I miss that and I did not appreciate it like i should have,  I don’t think I  truly valued and honored that time like I should have. I long for that back, but then, I realize it is still just as readily availble to me as before.  I just need to still myself and BE one with HIM.  I was caught up in thinking it had to be a “place” but in actuality the place is in my heart.  Have I prepared it for that special time? … NO I haven’t . I have been so focused on running to DO and not focused on Being still and in unity (ONENESS) with Him just BEING.

We can sometimes get so caught up in a mindset that we have to do something , a works mentality, performance, yet He loved us first, while we were in our junk , sin, and overall mess. Jesus loves us unconditionally and is patiently waiting on us to come into the realization of who we are as SONS of the most High God(romans 8:14).  Have you ever stopped and thought what that means, really what it means to walk in sonship. Could someone tell you your mom or dad isn’t your mom or dad, do you feel free to go to your parents house and feel at home, and does your children feel like guest ( NOT!!) Mine come on in to any room door shut or not, lol, get what they need out of the kitchen drive my car if theirs doesnt have gas.  My point is how much better a father God is than us. I realize many have had a horrible home life and may even suffer from trauma of it. I pray that they can awaken to the LOVE of the Father and realize how much greater HE is and how deep our rights as sons go. Let me preface right here; if men can be in the “bride of Christ” (the church) then we women need to understand sonship. We have rights, we have responsibilities, there is so much that we have available to us. We truly haven’t understood or grasped the depth of it all. AND we cant tap into it if we are still drinking milk and waiting on a pastor to “do something” for us or feed us. It is time to grow up in HIM and begin to explore all that is for us, to dig into the MEAT of the Word and receive revelation from Holy Spirit that He has been waiting so patiently and eagerly to give to us. No longer doing “works” but being with Him and letting the flow from Heaven flow right into our hearts.

I guess what my heart is trying to say is that we don’t wait on God, He is waiting on us. He is waiting to run in fields of Grace with us, He is singing over us, he is loving us. He has made a place for us , seated in heavenly places beside Christ. It says in the gospels that Jesus came to preach the Gospel of the Kingdom. And the Lord’s Prayer says “on earth as it is in heaven” … where oh where are the Sons of God manifesting the Kingdom of Heaven on earth. The peace, the joy, the miracles, the signs , the wonders, we are to be doing greater works than Jesus did. Some where we have believed the lie that those things were for back then,not now. Well that is a lie from the pit of hell. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow we need to get out of our mindset and put on the mind of Christ and quit limiting ourself in our walk with Him. There is so much more I want to share, but this is all for now. Love you brothers and sisters, May we all come into the fullness of Him in us.

Quit waiting and and Press into Him in the quiet stillness and passionately pursue Him in the quiet stillness and peace of your heart. 

Romans 8:14 For as many as are LED by the Spirit of God, they are the SONS of God.